Bridezilla Doesn't Care.

It finally happened.  I cracked.  I became the bride I swore I'd never be.  A fuming, tantrum-throwing, at times sobbing, this-is-my-day-not-yours bride. And the best/worst part?  I still don't think I'm totally in the wrong.

 

While I was never the girl who dreamt about my wedding day, when I got engaged to the love of my life 3 months ago and it became clear that my vote to elope was being over-ruled, I quickly started making up for lost time.  I planned EVERYTHING.  And then I had to start defending my plan.  For everything.

 

Let me make a disclaimer.  A very large, heartfelt and 100% accurate disclaimer.  I am SO BLESSED to be surrounded by family and friends who care, and I know that everything that I have taken so personally was said/done without the intention of making me crazy.

 

Good intent or not, though, it IS making me crazy.  This day should be about Ryan and I.  Period.  Our love, our engagement, our life, our marriage, OUR DAY.  Where you sit should not be up for discussion.  Who I select to be in my bridal party should not be up for discussion.  How I wear my hair, what we serve at the reception, what color the silverware will be, and what dead relative's "something old" I will or will not be using should not be up for discussion.  They shouldn't, but apparently they are.

 

I never had any idea that so many people felt it was their place to question a couple's decisions, tell them they should be doing it differently, and/or make their own plans and expect the bride and groom to do it their way.  With all the love, respect, and maturity I can muster, I would like to scream at the top of my lungs that this is NOT YOUR DAY.  You either had your day already, or you will have a day some other time, or maybe you don't get a day.  That's not my fault, and I shouldn't be expected to change my wedding to please you.  Not. Your. Day.

 

If I want to wear a purple polka dot dress, put lipstick all over my face in the shape of unicorns, and serve cotton candy and peanuts for dinner, it is your role as a guest to tell me I look beautiful and get your own damn dinner on the way home if you don't like what we chose.   I have been to a lot of weddings, and there have been a lot of things at said weddings that I didn't love.  Did I feel the need to tell the bride or groom that I would have done it differently?  Nope.  Sure didn't.  I wore a color other than white, sat where I was told, brought a gift, and congratulated the newlyweds on their new life together.  Because aside from seating charts and cake cutting, I'm pretty sure there is a bigger point to this day.  What was it again?  Oh yeah - a marriage.  Our marriage.  MY marriage.

 

I have a dj who may or may not show up (don't even get me started on the e-mail I sent that resulted in a 20% discount!), I have people who mean a WHOLE LOT to me who can't be there, I have people who WEREN'T INVITED who have told me that they will be there, and I have spent a crap ton of money on this day only to feel like I am under attack for every tiny detail that we have decided about this day.  And the conclusion I have come to?  I don't care.  I don't care.  I DON'T care.  I. DON'T. CARE.

 

While it is not now nor has it EVER been my intention to hurt anyone's feelings, the fact that their feelings are imposed onto this day in the first place still baffles me.  It is our day and the ONLY detail that I even remotely care about is that when it is all said and done, I will walk out as a married woman.  So while I may seem like a self-centered, spoiled, monster of a bride right now, I can promise you that on October 20th, I will not stress over one thing.  The cake can collapse, the electricity can go out, and my hair can be set on fire, and if I walk out of that church as Mrs. Sloan, it will still be the happiest day of my whole life.

 

If nobody likes the music, or my dress, or the food, or any other detail that people so boldly invite themselves to be concerned with, I don't care. If that makes me a bridezilla, then I guess I don't care about that either.  

Heidi - Can I See You In My Office, Please??

Recently, my company has 'merged with' (read: been acquired by) a larger chapter and beginning on July 1, there will be some changes.  Being as such, our new Human Resources department made a 3 hour drive on Friday to meet with us and go over the changes.

Things were pretty run of the mill; medical/dental/vision coverage, don't sexually harass your co-workers (I'm going to have to make a note to myself on that one), wear appropriate clothing, notify your supervisor when you will not be coming to work, yadda yadda yadda.  I was on board with everything until we got to this all important page of the handbook:

Ahh yes, one of my favorite subjects.  Let's take a look at our list:

Anyone else notice anything missing?  Because I can't seem to find 'Day After Thanksgiving' on here.  I asked if it was a typo, and was reassured that no, that was an accurate description of our holiday time.  Seeing the impending hissy fit about to happen, the HR Director told me not to fret, because we get our birthday off so it evens out.  Ummm, no.  If I am home on my birthday, who will shower me with love and adoration and presents?  When will my office be decorated?  THIS is what my birthday at work should look like:

He said that if I really wanted to come to work on my birthday that I could have any other day in that month off as my designated birthday day off.  Light bulb! Oh, I'm getting the Day after Thanksgiving off!!

This is how I proceeded to fill out EVERY piece of new hire paperwork (20 - 25 official documents) that I turned in at the end of our 5 hour meeting before HR had to drive 3 hours home. 

My guess is that they won't notice until today, so I am taking a personal day to allow them to cool off before what I can only guess is an upcoming one-on-one HR meeting...

My Inappropriate Family

While attending my oldest nephew's high school graduation party, I overheard him give a blanket apology to each arriving guest about his aunts and our behavior when 'more than 2 of them get together' and I was completely shocked!  Us?  Inappropriate?  Never.

His Grandfather, our father, who thinks it is perfectly acceptable to show up to my place of work half-naked and stand in the middle of the street talking to my BOSS with no immediate concern for putting on his clothes and then LOUDLY proclaiming to all of my co-workers that this building used to be a medical office where he used to have his prostate checked?  Sure.  I could see issuing an immediate apology for him.  But the Higdon sisters??  We are classy ladies. 

Is shopping inappropriate?

Or dancing?

How about staying hydrated?  What's inappropriate about that?

Here we are siezing a couple of wholesome family photo ops:

What could be more innocent than a massage and a piggy back ride?

Hmmm.  I'm beginning to see his point.  So maybe we're a little over the top.  Don't hate us because we're beautiful!

Dear Skyler,

We're sorry.  You should probably stop inviting us places :)





Sorry Mom

We all have our callings in life, and one of mine is to be an awesome Aunt with the ability/right to spoil the cute little children, let them have whatever they want, feed them ice cream for dinner, and then return them to their parents. People keep asking me when I will have kids of my own, and I got to thinking. I'm no Spring chicken these days, so I've been trying to figure out if and when I'm ever going to have some adorable little butterballs of babiness of my own. Here is my Pros/Cons list so far:

Reasons I should NOT have babies:

1.) Sometimes I forget to feed myself.

2.) When I own a plant, I either kill it or abandon it for all time at mom and dad's house.

3.) I need to be the crier in the relationship.

4.) Sharing the spotlight has never been my strong spot.

5.) Giving up alcohol for 9 months is out of the question.

6.) If you're going to throw up on me, you BETTER be gainfully employed with the ability to buy me 'I'm sorry' gifts.

7.) Less than 8 hours of sleep a night isn't going to work for me.

8.) I can't discipline - I'll either laugh when they misbehave, or try to distract them with presents.

9.) I won't get a PUPPY because it might interfere with my frequent vacation plans.

10.) Trick or treaters just knocked on my door and I hid under the covers as if they were murderers because all I have in my kitchen are veggies and cottage cheese.

Don't get me wrong, I love the kiddies. I find them adorable and hilarious and extremely sweet. So I've put a lot of thought into it, and here are the pros of me having a baby of my own that I can't get just by being an Aunt:

Reasons I SHOULD have babies:

1.) Tax break.

2.) Bigger boobs.


I've also figured out that I can get the same results by buying a house and finding a good plastic surgeon...

WARNING: I cannot be held responsible for my words while under anesthesia!

So last Friday was the big day. The day my cutie patootie podiatrist decided to drill holes into my foot to get rid of the then-mystery foot infection I had. Turns out it was a soft tissue tumor. Don't ask.




I like to think that every experience is an opportunity to learn something, and I will now enlighten all of you with the wisdom I have gained:





1. When you are scheduled for a 1pm procedure, don't expect to be taken in until around 5pm.





2. IVs HURT! Contrary to my naive wishful thinking, it feels nothing like getting blood drawn.





3. Hospitals are cold. Very, very cold.





4. Anesthesia makes me say very inappropriate things and increases my already high flirtation tendencies to a dangerous level. Sorry for asking if you had a foot fetish, Dr. Rich Hottie.





5. Vicodin is a blessing and whoever created it deserves a medal.





6. Hopping is a rare and precious skill and I think I could probably win a competition at this point in time.





7. Doctors are cheap. No matter how many of them I asked, nobody would buy a foursome in my golf tournament. Maybe because I was the loud flirty girl in Recovery Bay 26 that everyone thought was hilarious? While it is true that I am a hoot and a half, I was not joking. I was just trying to get some work done!





8. Jimmy Johns tastes even better than usual when you have been deprived of food and water for 22 hours. Yum!





9. My anesthesiologist's dog died of ALL in December. Leukemia is the #1 killer of cats, but very rare in dogs. True story.





10. Getting holes drilled into your foot causes swelling. Lots and lots of swelling: