Dear Santa,
Let me start by saying you look fabulous in red. I know you must be swamped with letters, so let me get straight to the point. This year I would like big, perfect, round, fake boobs for Christmas. As the youngest Higdon sister, I feel that I have been overlooked in this department and now would be a good time to change that.
Exhibit A: Robin Jean, aka Higdon Sister #1
Okay, so she isn't particularly blessed with the boobies either, but she's ridiculously skinny and beautiful and looks good in ANY hair style. Therefore she doesn't deserve boobs. She can't have EVERYTHING!!!
Exhibit B: Tammy Kaye, aka Higdon Sister #2
Look at that - the kind of boobs that men, babies, and dogs all appreciate. They look great in anything, and they can send anyone to a sweet slumber with their perfect pillow qualities. Do you know how hard it is to rock a child or small animal to sleep when they just keep moving their head in a desperate attempt to find any sort of cushioning before they give up and choose the floor over my chest??
Exhibit C: Becky Lynn, aka Higdon Sister #3
REALLY?! Look at those things! You could house a small village in those puppies. And Santa, she just uses them for the naughty list. Remember the trucker outside of Searchlight??? She forgets that you're watching!!!
This brings me to the inequality of it all...
Exhibit D: Heidi Christine, aka Higdon Sister #4, aka the Good One
Yep. That's me. That's what I'm working with. And this is the finished product after a low neckline, the most expensive push-up bra around, and enough tissue to keep Kleenex in business until the next century. Now I know that you have a tough job Santa, what with the elves and the reindeer and the flying around the world delivering presents, but let me ask you this: Ever had to slide down a chimney wearing underwire? I think not.
I understand all of the hard work that goes into creating the illusion of having anything that needs underwire support, so I would never take them for granted. I've been a VERY good girl this year. And I promise to only use them for good. Once I have them and a handsome rich man falls in love with them, err, I mean ME --- falls in love with ME, I'll marry him and donate lots and lots of money to charity. So really they're the gifts that keep on giving. Without them, cancer may never be cured. Please think about that before you leave fruit in my stocking for the 24th year in a row. You worry about the boobs - I can buy my own oranges.
Thanks Santa. Have a safe trip!
Love,
Heidi :)
Let me start by saying you look fabulous in red. I know you must be swamped with letters, so let me get straight to the point. This year I would like big, perfect, round, fake boobs for Christmas. As the youngest Higdon sister, I feel that I have been overlooked in this department and now would be a good time to change that.
Exhibit A: Robin Jean, aka Higdon Sister #1
Okay, so she isn't particularly blessed with the boobies either, but she's ridiculously skinny and beautiful and looks good in ANY hair style. Therefore she doesn't deserve boobs. She can't have EVERYTHING!!!
Exhibit B: Tammy Kaye, aka Higdon Sister #2
Look at that - the kind of boobs that men, babies, and dogs all appreciate. They look great in anything, and they can send anyone to a sweet slumber with their perfect pillow qualities. Do you know how hard it is to rock a child or small animal to sleep when they just keep moving their head in a desperate attempt to find any sort of cushioning before they give up and choose the floor over my chest??
Exhibit C: Becky Lynn, aka Higdon Sister #3
REALLY?! Look at those things! You could house a small village in those puppies. And Santa, she just uses them for the naughty list. Remember the trucker outside of Searchlight??? She forgets that you're watching!!!
This brings me to the inequality of it all...
Exhibit D: Heidi Christine, aka Higdon Sister #4, aka the Good One
Yep. That's me. That's what I'm working with. And this is the finished product after a low neckline, the most expensive push-up bra around, and enough tissue to keep Kleenex in business until the next century. Now I know that you have a tough job Santa, what with the elves and the reindeer and the flying around the world delivering presents, but let me ask you this: Ever had to slide down a chimney wearing underwire? I think not.
I understand all of the hard work that goes into creating the illusion of having anything that needs underwire support, so I would never take them for granted. I've been a VERY good girl this year. And I promise to only use them for good. Once I have them and a handsome rich man falls in love with them, err, I mean ME --- falls in love with ME, I'll marry him and donate lots and lots of money to charity. So really they're the gifts that keep on giving. Without them, cancer may never be cured. Please think about that before you leave fruit in my stocking for the 24th year in a row. You worry about the boobs - I can buy my own oranges.
Thanks Santa. Have a safe trip!
Love,
Heidi :)
2 comments:
You are one funny girl my dear.
Oh how i love reading your post, you are such a creative writer...I think you need to go into some sort of writing! I would read your stuff!!! And its okay to not have boobs...men only like a handfull any way, so i've been told :)
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