I Will Never Be The Crazy Cat Lady. Crazy Shoe Lady? Maybe.

After relentless teasing from my family and friends about how many shoes I own, I set out this morning to sort through them and donate any of them that I felt I could live without.  After hours of deliberation, I came to the conclusion that I may have a slightly unhealthy relationship with my footwear because I just couldn't bring myself to part with any of them.  They're like family --- even the ones that you don't particularly jump for joy over, you can't just give them away.

And it's not like I have that many. All in all, they total 18.  That's not even one pair per beloved Duggar kid.  They all comfortably fit in one closet (okay, two closets, but they're small closets!):              

I know it is tough to decipher each pair's individual charm and place in the family, but I really do have a purpose and occasion for each.

Beginning with the back row:

Snow Boots

Why I need them: For the snow.  Duh.  And yes, those are 3" heels --- I'm 5'1", if I fall down in the

snow drift, nobody will find me until April if I'm not wearing these.  Safety first kids.

Motorcycle Boots

Why I need them: What else am I supposed to wear when someone with a motorcycle finally asks me out?

Power Business Shoes

Why I need them: Nothing says 'I mean business and am serious and professional, but have just enough sparkle to make you happy that I am about to charm you out of all of your money' like these babies.

Vera Wang

Why I need them: They're Vera Wang.  Enough said.

Faux Snakeskin

Why I need them: I have a matching purse.

The Most Comfortable Pair of Carrie Bradshaw Approved Heels Ever

Why I need them: After the torture that I put my feet through on a daily basis, they deserve a comfortable pair of heels to slip into.  It's not for me at all, just thinking of my toes.  Also, they're fabulous.

Vera Wang #2

Why I need them: They're Vera Wang.  They keep my other Vera Wang pair company.  And they've made a cameo on my blog already.  That cements their place in my home.

Stripper Heels

Why I need them: Don't judge them!  Sure, a pole, excessive glitter, and perfectly kept soles are probably their only potential in life.  But is it their fault that they're hot and make my calves look even more amazing than usual?  And besides, who doesn't want money thrown at them??

Jessica Simpsons

Why I need them: They're shiny and purple and honestly, hasn't Jessica been dumped enough??

The Twins

Why I need them: They spice up a plain black dress, make jeans look dressy, and get me more compliments than any other pair I own.  Why do I need 2 pairs?  Look closely.  They're fraternal.

Family Feud Starters

Why I need them: I have a shirt that matches perfectly, and it took me 2.5 years and countless failed kidnapping attempts to convince Whitney to sign over custody to me, whose feet actually fit into them.

Brown Faux Snakeskin

Why I need them: They're brown. That makes them different.

Painting shoes

Why I need them: Sometimes my friends buy houses and need help painting the big, mid-level sections of the walls that are far away from edges and outlets and anything that could possibly be messed up.  Bonus: they already have paint splatter on them so they can't be ruined.  Hmmm...I just realized I don't have a pair in black...

Life Savers

Why I need them: I crossed the Nike half marathon finish line in one pair, and the other supports those who are also running as a part of TEAM.  They're finding cures for cancer.  Do you REALLY want me to get rid of them and let cancer win? Also, after hearing my father tell me for the first 18 years of my life that until I buy my own shoes, I have to untie them before taking them off, I love slipping them off still tied and being able to say "I bought them, I get to take them off how I want."  It's the little things in life.

Flip Flops

Why I need them: Just for proof that I own them and that every once in a while, I can actually be seen at my natural height.

Over The Top, Impractical, Way Too Expensive Designer Heels

Why I need them: I don't.  But I want them.  Just one pair of luscious, over-priced, mouth watering heels.  I have decided that I will be treating myself to a new man in my life; the only question that remains is: will it be Christian or Jimmy?  Who do you think my closet is missing?? Maybe if I find that Sugar Daddy, I can have both :)

  

Operation Sugar Daddy

Upon careful thought and consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I'm too pretty to work.  At a bare minimum, I'm too pretty to work full time.  So, in the words of my dear friend Rachel (she's very wise - check her out), I need to find a man to bank roll my rock and roll lifestyle.  With my 20s on a downward spiral heading into 30 like a freight train, I figured I should take advantage of my youth and good looks while they are still around. 

I know that this must sound a little overindulgent, but follow me here.  I bring a lot to the table, and am willing to negotiate the terms of our arrangement.  My staples are as follows: provide my basic needs (food, shelter, gasoline, etc.), 1 Diet Mountain Dew or Starbucks per day, 6 vacations per year (4 to Phoenix/Las Vegas where only a plane ticket and spending money are needed, 1 to Boston, and 1 tropical locale), and $200 per month wardrobe allowance; of which any remaining balance may be carried over infinitely.  Keep in mind that I am willing to work part time to help with these expenses. 

Ideally, I would like to stick to the terms of a traditional Sugar Daddy/Trophy Girl relationship: woo me, buy me nice things, take me out on the town to show me off, make a weekly or semi-monthly deposit into my checking account, and then go home to your house that is separate from mine.  Here's where the negotiations come in.  I'm willing to settle down and become a trophy wife with the added conditions that I get at least a 2 carat ring, my last name is hyphenated, bump that wardrobe allowance up to $350 a month, and I'm going to need 1 additional state side vacation of my choosing per year.

Sounds like a nice deal for me, I know, and I'm sure you're wondering what you get out of it, so I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of reasons why you should scoop me up and take care of me for the rest of my life.  This list is by no means meant to be exhaustive, and if you have any stipulations not seen below, please feel free to inquire about my willingness to provide.  Thank you, and I look forward to meeting you and your AmEx in the near future.

10 Reasons Why You Should Be My Sugar Daddy:

1.) I look great in formal wear
Have a fancy business dinner to be at?  A charity gala?  Best man in your brother's wedding?  I can rock a ballgown in any color.

2.) I am excellent with babies and small children
Don't get any ideas - none will be housed in my uterus, but if you come with them in tow, I can probably keep them alive.

3.) I'm not afraid of a theme party.

Cowgirl, sock-hopper, 80s cutie, some ill-advised college era 'bros & hos' parties that I won't post here, but I'm sure there is evidence of...

4.) I can hold my liquor.

My first three loves are: tequila, tequila, tequila, but I can down a Blue Moon like it's my job!

 5.) I'm a good hugger.

Handshakes are so formal.  Whether you hug back or stand straight as a board, I'm getting my loves in!

6.) I give good back rubs.

7.) I'm sporty.
Whether I'm running 13.1 miles, showing off my championhip miniature golf form, or dominating the batting cages, I'm basically awesome.


8.) I believe that variety is the spice of life.
You will never see me with the same hair style twice.

 

9.) I'm always ready for a photo op.

Catch me off guard when there is a camera around?  I dare you to try.

10.) I'm hot.

Let's face it.  I'm not going to look this good forever, so you should probably get me while the getting is good.  Go ahead, gentlemen, let the fighting over me begin...