I've been told more than once by my mother that, 'there's no conceit in this family - because you took it all!' and I've been accused of being in love with myself a time or fifty over the years. That's really not the case - I'm just aware that I'm cute, funny, sweet, hilarious, and all around wonderful. Since when is honesty a crime??
For those of you who mistook my factual observations as conceit/arrogance/being in love with myself, you'll be happy to know that I've been knocked down a peg, or more accurately, THREE pegs. The last 7 days have been a crash course in humility for me, and I'd just like to say - I GET IT, OKAY?!!!
It all started last Monday at an elementary school assembly. I love this part of my job, because I adore kids and I love their innocent honesty in how they see the world. Turns out the thing I love about the ankle biters is also the thing I hate. Ever had a third grader stand up, point at you, and announce to the WHOLE school, 'She's pregnant! I can tell!!' ??? Yeah, well now I have. That kid is lucky it's a felony for me to punch him. REALLY? Pregnant?! REALLY?!! Peg 1. I get it - I'm not a skinny minny. Never have been. I've always been a chubby girl, and I'm okay with that. I love my curves.
Chubby I can handle. But pregnant??! I look like I have another human being growing INSIDE of me???? I'd like to point out that even sitting in the first picture, my roll is minimal, and that in the second (taken at Christmas) my stomach is still flat enough that you can see my innie belly button. Just saying, kid. Just saying.
After a few hours of sobbing and having the good folks who I work with assure me that I, in fact, did not look like I was about to give birth, I decided to pick myself up and have a better rest of the week. That lasted until Wednesday around 4pm. I had yet another assembly - and I'm happy to report that nobody asked me when I was due. I'm not so happy to report, however, that I may be permanently banned from the property. After all of the logistics were taken care of, I was headed to my car in my new 5 inch heels (gorgeous!) and it was starting to rain. Living in Vegas, rain is a cause for celebration, so I was admiring the clouds and must have stepped off the sidewalk. Next thing I know, my purse is flying, my feet are going one way, and my body is going the other. It's hard to be hot when you're laying, sprawled every which way, in a disgusting combo of dirt, gravel, oil, and rain water, and may have (read: definitely, loudly) just let a few profanities slip. Were there kids and parents all around? Yep. Was I RIGHT in front of the office? You know I was. Did I mention that this was a CHRISTIAN school??? Peg 2. In my defense, I'm pretty sure God and Jesus were mentioned in between my string of curse words...
This brings me to today. I had a lunch date with my favorite Jeanna Louise Marie, and I was so excited to see her and catch up. I got all cute; used my new makeup, wore my recently tailored jeans (thanks mom!), and was hot to trot in my red high heels. I arrived, sat down, and started chatting. Everything went well until it was time to order. Our waiter looked at me, asked for my order, I gave it, and then he turned to Jeanna, and said - and I quote - 'and for the lady?' AND FOR THE LADY??? What the Hell am I? The tramp??? At first I was flattered thinking that he thought Jeanna and I were a lesbian couple; because let's face it - women are a lot harder to impress than men and Jeanna is beautiful, so it was all good that he thought I had landed such a gorgeous date.
Until I realized that this made me the butch one. Peg 3.
Do you know how badly I wanted to say, 'Excuse me, sir, but an 8 year old thinks I'm pregnant. When was the last time you saw a pregnant butch lesbian? Hmmm? HMMM?! ESPECIALLY one this hot?!!' I'm just saying. Pregnant-looking, covered in mud with a twisted ankle, and butch, I'm still a solid 8.5 :) :)
For those of you who mistook my factual observations as conceit/arrogance/being in love with myself, you'll be happy to know that I've been knocked down a peg, or more accurately, THREE pegs. The last 7 days have been a crash course in humility for me, and I'd just like to say - I GET IT, OKAY?!!!
It all started last Monday at an elementary school assembly. I love this part of my job, because I adore kids and I love their innocent honesty in how they see the world. Turns out the thing I love about the ankle biters is also the thing I hate. Ever had a third grader stand up, point at you, and announce to the WHOLE school, 'She's pregnant! I can tell!!' ??? Yeah, well now I have. That kid is lucky it's a felony for me to punch him. REALLY? Pregnant?! REALLY?!! Peg 1. I get it - I'm not a skinny minny. Never have been. I've always been a chubby girl, and I'm okay with that. I love my curves.
Chubby I can handle. But pregnant??! I look like I have another human being growing INSIDE of me???? I'd like to point out that even sitting in the first picture, my roll is minimal, and that in the second (taken at Christmas) my stomach is still flat enough that you can see my innie belly button. Just saying, kid. Just saying.
After a few hours of sobbing and having the good folks who I work with assure me that I, in fact, did not look like I was about to give birth, I decided to pick myself up and have a better rest of the week. That lasted until Wednesday around 4pm. I had yet another assembly - and I'm happy to report that nobody asked me when I was due. I'm not so happy to report, however, that I may be permanently banned from the property. After all of the logistics were taken care of, I was headed to my car in my new 5 inch heels (gorgeous!) and it was starting to rain. Living in Vegas, rain is a cause for celebration, so I was admiring the clouds and must have stepped off the sidewalk. Next thing I know, my purse is flying, my feet are going one way, and my body is going the other. It's hard to be hot when you're laying, sprawled every which way, in a disgusting combo of dirt, gravel, oil, and rain water, and may have (read: definitely, loudly) just let a few profanities slip. Were there kids and parents all around? Yep. Was I RIGHT in front of the office? You know I was. Did I mention that this was a CHRISTIAN school??? Peg 2. In my defense, I'm pretty sure God and Jesus were mentioned in between my string of curse words...
This brings me to today. I had a lunch date with my favorite Jeanna Louise Marie, and I was so excited to see her and catch up. I got all cute; used my new makeup, wore my recently tailored jeans (thanks mom!), and was hot to trot in my red high heels. I arrived, sat down, and started chatting. Everything went well until it was time to order. Our waiter looked at me, asked for my order, I gave it, and then he turned to Jeanna, and said - and I quote - 'and for the lady?' AND FOR THE LADY??? What the Hell am I? The tramp??? At first I was flattered thinking that he thought Jeanna and I were a lesbian couple; because let's face it - women are a lot harder to impress than men and Jeanna is beautiful, so it was all good that he thought I had landed such a gorgeous date.
Until I realized that this made me the butch one. Peg 3.
Do you know how badly I wanted to say, 'Excuse me, sir, but an 8 year old thinks I'm pregnant. When was the last time you saw a pregnant butch lesbian? Hmmm? HMMM?! ESPECIALLY one this hot?!!' I'm just saying. Pregnant-looking, covered in mud with a twisted ankle, and butch, I'm still a solid 8.5 :) :)
2 comments:
ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!
xoxoxo
bahaha!!
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