Sunday, May 2, 2010

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

This is the mostly unbelievable, but entirely true tale of the night I was almost murdered - May 1, 2010. Yes, it was LAST night...

So there I was, laying on my couch watching 'Arrested Development' (soooo funny!) on Netflix on my laptop with the windows open because it was such a nice night when I heard lots of footsteps running up my stairs. At first, I thought they were just drunk and at the wrong apartment because I thought I heard keys, so I got up to go turn a light on and tell them they were in the wrong spot when the attempts to get in turned frantic. I heard one say to the other 'I can't get it...knock it down' and then criminal #2 started hitting the door near the hinges with something (a crowbar? a foot? a machete?) very violently while criminal #1 continued trying to get the door handle off.

I did what any tough girl with my muscle structure would and hid in the closet while I called 9-1-1 as the banging and attempted breaking in continued. It started out as any 9-1-1 call would when you think you're about to be murdered; quiet, frantic, and begging them to hurry. Then it turned hilarious:

Operator: Do you have a gun?

Me: No.

Operator: Do you have any weapons at all?

Me: No.

Operator: Can you get a knife or anything so if they get in you can defend yourself?

Me: (Bawling) No! All I have are forks and they're in the dishwasher by the window by where the bad guys are!!

Operator: Are they still there?

Me: I think they just ran away...I heard footsteps and then it got quiet...

*few more questions, and then what I swear was 30 seconds later:*


Me: I hear banging again!!!

Operator: I think those are the officers.

Me: (SCREAMING AT HER) You think or you know? Because that's a gamble!!!!

Turned out it was the officers, as confirmed by looking through the handy dandy peephole. I opened my door and to my delight, found Officer Sexy standing on my doorstep armed and ready to murder the bad guys. I also saw, to my dismay, two other officers and a CAMERA CREW!!! My thoughts immediately turned from 'I almost died' to 'Oh Hell NO! I will not sign a waiver...I'm not going to be on COPS! I watch that show to feel better about myself - not to see myself looking like someone you see on COPS!' Let me paint a picture for you: I was wearing track pants, a pink tank top, and bright red bra while bawling my eyes out and sporting an alfalfa/einstein hairdo!!!!! Please friends, do NOT watch any new episodes of COPS for, well, ever. Just disregard the fact that you ever heard of this show. It doesn't exist. It is not coming to a non-network cable station in your home. Never. Existed. EVER!

Back to the me almost being murdered part-

After the initial small talk, the questioning began...

Officer Sexy: Could it have been the delivery guy just knocking to leave the menu we found at the bottom of the staircase?

My actual answer: No, that's been there for a few days; I've just been too lazy to pick it up.

What I wanted to say: Yes, that must be it. I think two guys tried for five minutes to break my door down just to make sure I knew what the weekly special at Pizza Pete's was!!

Officer Sexy: Do you know what they looked like?

My actual answer: No, I was scared to look because I didn't want them to see me.

What I wanted to say: Well, after I invited them in for lemonade, they were warming up and almost took the ski masks off, but I think you scared them off before I could finish my sketch.

Officer Sexy: Do you have any enemies? Anyone who might want to hurt you?

My actual answer: (Laughing) No way! People LOVE me!!

What I wanted to say: I know I'm looking a hot mess now, sir, but I'm usually hot. I can show you pictures when you get through all the business and ask me out already!

So after we got through that (he never asked me out...I knew I should have shown him pictures as proof of my cuteness!), my wonderful friends Christina & Nate said that I could come stay the night with them so I had to pack an overnight bag while Officer Sexy & Friends stood watch.

Usually an overnight stay for me requires 2 suitcases and a carry-on bag, because after all, a girl's gotta have options! However, in my heightened state of panic and rush to get out of there, this is what I packed (in the order that they went into the bag):

* Curling iron
* Worn underwear
* Makeup bag #1
* Makeup bag #2
* Makeup utensils
* Worn jeans
* My Snuggie
* A shirt

Yes, that's right...I prioritized dirty clothes, two sets of makeup, and a snuggie over a SHIRT! A girl's gotta have mascara! I might not have control over being murdered, but I have control over looking good while it happens!! And I don't care what anyone says, I love my snuggie!!!

Long story short - I'm fine, my belongings are fine, and I have some of the most amazing friends ever who took me in and took very good care of me. Thank you, Goodmans! I love you!!!


Anonymous said...

OMG Heidi! First, you should be a freakin' comedian! That post actually made me laugh out loud when I wasn't picking up my jaw from the craziness of the whole thing. Second, for Christ's sake get a dog or a gun! A single girl living alone? No no no! Really, you must have one or the other. If my baby girl dog died tomorrow, I would go buy a gun. Seriously. Third, I'm really, really glad you are safe. :)

christinegwen said...

HAhahaha! I'm sorry that happened to you but I like how you can turn it funny! I was reading it at work and trying not to crack up. It's always harder not to laugh when you know you shouldn't be!