Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Operation Sugar Daddy

Upon careful thought and consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I'm too pretty to work.  At a bare minimum, I'm too pretty to work full time.  So, in the words of my dear friend Rachel (she's very wise - check her out), I need to find a man to bank roll my rock and roll lifestyle.  With my 20s on a downward spiral heading into 30 like a freight train, I figured I should take advantage of my youth and good looks while they are still around. 

I know that this must sound a little overindulgent, but follow me here.  I bring a lot to the table, and am willing to negotiate the terms of our arrangement.  My staples are as follows: provide my basic needs (food, shelter, gasoline, etc.), 1 Diet Mountain Dew or Starbucks per day, 6 vacations per year (4 to Phoenix/Las Vegas where only a plane ticket and spending money are needed, 1 to Boston, and 1 tropical locale), and $200 per month wardrobe allowance; of which any remaining balance may be carried over infinitely.  Keep in mind that I am willing to work part time to help with these expenses. 

Ideally, I would like to stick to the terms of a traditional Sugar Daddy/Trophy Girl relationship: woo me, buy me nice things, take me out on the town to show me off, make a weekly or semi-monthly deposit into my checking account, and then go home to your house that is separate from mine.  Here's where the negotiations come in.  I'm willing to settle down and become a trophy wife with the added conditions that I get at least a 2 carat ring, my last name is hyphenated, bump that wardrobe allowance up to $350 a month, and I'm going to need 1 additional state side vacation of my choosing per year.

Sounds like a nice deal for me, I know, and I'm sure you're wondering what you get out of it, so I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of reasons why you should scoop me up and take care of me for the rest of my life.  This list is by no means meant to be exhaustive, and if you have any stipulations not seen below, please feel free to inquire about my willingness to provide.  Thank you, and I look forward to meeting you and your AmEx in the near future.

10 Reasons Why You Should Be My Sugar Daddy:

1.) I look great in formal wear
Have a fancy business dinner to be at?  A charity gala?  Best man in your brother's wedding?  I can rock a ballgown in any color.

2.) I am excellent with babies and small children
Don't get any ideas - none will be housed in my uterus, but if you come with them in tow, I can probably keep them alive.

3.) I'm not afraid of a theme party.
Cowgirl, sock-hopper, 80s cutie, some ill-advised college era 'bros & hos' parties that I won't post here, but I'm sure there is evidence of...

4.) I can hold my liquor.
My first three loves are: tequila, tequila, tequila, but I can down a Blue Moon like it's my job!

 5.) I'm a good hugger.
Handshakes are so formal.  Whether you hug back or stand straight as a board, I'm getting my loves in!

6.) I give good back rubs.

7.) I'm sporty.
Whether I'm running 13.1 miles, showing off my championhip miniature golf form, or dominating the batting cages, I'm basically awesome.

8.) I believe that variety is the spice of life.
You will never see me with the same hair style twice.


9.) I'm always ready for a photo op.
Catch me off guard when there is a camera around?  I dare you to try.

10.) I'm hot.
Let's face it.  I'm not going to look this good forever, so you should probably get me while the getting is good.  Go ahead, gentlemen, let the fighting over me begin...

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