Thursday, October 25, 2012

Wedding Diet 101

I've never had, nor will I ever have the perfect body.  Nobody does.  Well, except those people - you know the type...lean, muscular, less than 5% body fat, perky everything.  I have a few of those real life perfect body friends, and while in general I love and support them, today we are not friends.  For today is an ode to the not-so-perfect ones of us who had to work for 4 months to look fabulous in their wedding dress.  Today is a chubby girl party, and you are not invited.
It all started on June 17th, 2012 around 8pm.  It was approximately an hour after becoming engaged to the love of my life, and the realization that I was going to get married was starting to sink in.  I was getting married.  In a tight white dress.  In 4 months, 2 days, and 19 hours.  Game on. 
Having always been somewhere between average and chubby, and fluxuating often between the two, I made a conscious decision that I was going to shed those 10 annoying pounds that had been lingering on and off around my thighs for the past 6 years since I graduated college.  At 10 pounds lighter, I would look so svelte that I would probably get offers from bridal magazines to be on their covers.  But no more than that.  On my 5'1 frame, losing even as much as 11 pounds would probably make me look anorexic.  Now concerned that I'd have to answer endless "are you eating??" questions after my 10 pound thinner self debuted, I decided to look up my ideal weight on the BMI chart just to make sure I wasn't about to get too thin.
Oh. My. GOD!  That can't be right.  That CAN'T be right.  According to the BMI figures I had just googled, I was not only overweight, but I was 7 pounds from OBESE.  OBESE!  That has to be wrong, I thought.  Who came up with this equation?  Is there a glitch?  That's it, there must be a glitch.  Or maybe they're just bad at math...who among us hasn't been off by 23 in an algebra problem?  After re-examining the situation, and by re-examining I mean using every search engine ever created in hopes of finding a more favorable result, I came to the conclusion that perhaps I had put on a few more than 10 lbs over the last few years.
New plan: lose 15 pounds and don't look like the Michelin Man in a veil.  During my various seasons between average and chubby over the last 9 years, the only weight loss plan that ever worked for me was Weight Watchers.  Why?  1.) If you tell me I can't have carbs, I will eat pasta in my car at 7am just to spite you, 2.) Given the option, I would literally rather cut off a limb to drop quick weight than exercise for 5 minutes, and 3.) I call the shots - if I want french fries for lunch, I can have them as long as I ration my points for the day.
After deciding that Plan A (fattening Ryan up so I looked thinner by default) wouldn't work, I grumbled my way over to the weight watchers website (just the point counting - I didn't feel the need to sit in a circle and discuss why I give potatoes power over me) and started toward my 10 *ahem* 15 pound goal. For those of you out of the loop, the new Weight Watchers system, Points Plus, not only gives you more daily points to use, but all fruit is free!  Yes, I know it is a psychological ploy to make me feel like I'm getting away with something while actually making healthier choices, but I happily submit to the mindgame warfare if it makes me thinner.
The first 10 pounds seemed to melt right off of me, and the 15 pounds seemed more and more attainable. Once I hit 15, I decided I would stretch my goal to 20 lost, but that would be it.  At pound #22, completely pleased with my progress, I decided to treat myself to a day of eating junk food and then had ice cream for dinner.  The next morning, cringing as I stepped on the scale and nervously awaiting the results, I almost yelled with delight to see that I had lost another half pound the day before!  The euphoria of having lost weight while eating junk food was quickly replaced by the sinking realization that if you can eat junk food all day, have ice cream for dinner, and still lose weight, you're too fat.
So I continued my point counting and saw a dramatic slow down at pound #30, but pushed through to a final weight loss of 35 pounds for the wedding, landing me in my ideal weight range (the top of the weight range still counts as IN the weight range) on what I still believe to be the incorrectly calculated BMI chart.  And while I am certain that my sweet, loving, charming, wonderful husband would love me no matter what size I was, every uneaten french fry from June through October 20th was worth looking fabulous in my dress on our wedding day.  And I did look fabulous.  We don't have the original pictures yet, so please don't let the watermarks distract you from admiring how thin I am... 
Anyone else want to have some ice cream??

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