Okay, so I know it has been a while since my last post...no, I didn't get murdered by the bad guys, the mean momma cat, or the crazy homeless man living in the alley, though if I did turn up missing, those wouldn't be terrible places to start. Alive and well, I haven't had much time for blogging because I have been busy moving halfway across the country to the land of corn, pop, and Hawkeyes! That's right, I'm an Iowan! I'm not sure who has had a more difficult time adjusting so far; me or the good people of Iowa.
After finally getting my belongings delivered to me at 11pm, 9 days after the scheduled delivery date, and having no television for going on 4 weeks now because the DirecTV people are 'not allowed to get off of our ladders to reach the dish' without a supervisor on hand (next availability of the apparent SOLE supervisor is next Saturday) --- and don't even get me started on HOW they installed the dish so far beyond the reach of their ladders if they weren't allowed to get off of them in the first place!, I have used my free time to compile the following Surviving Small Town Iowa Guide:
Directions:
- Not only is everything measured in 'minutes' instead of 'miles', nobody seems to understand the concept of using street names. Example: Me: "How do you get to the extension campus for the meeting?" Direction givers: "Well, it's about three minutes down the road --- go to the bridge, hang a right until you see Casey's, then go about another minute and it's on your left by the big tree." Did I mention there are about 15 bridges, 3 Casey's, and 9 MILLION trees??!
Currency:
- Bring Cash! My first clue that nobody in this town takes debit should have came when the woman at the water company was typing on a TYPEWRITER, but it didn't. When I tried to pay my bill with debit, she looked at me like I had just stepped out of a flying car and said, 'We don't have those fancy machines, but you can write a check honey.' A check? Who writes checks? Furthermore, who ACCEPTS checks?? Know what address is on my checks? My mom and dad's, because I'm still on my first book of checks that I got when I opened this account when I was 17!
- I've now stolen two different coffees from two different establishments because of this 'no cash, no payment' rule. But get this Vegas people, when you don't have cash, they let you have the coffee anyway and just say, 'get me next time'...seriously! It's amazing!
Time Management:
- If you have an appointment, and need to make a stop anyplace involving interaction with another human being, leave an additional 15 minutes early. People here LOOOVE their conversations. About the weather, their kids who you don't know, your funny license plate, the new law in town about not being able to carry your gun into the town hall meetings at city council (yes, I said NEW law), and anything else they feel the need to chat about.
- Beware of walking into any establishment where there are 'regulars', because the moment they realize that they don't know you, you will be cornered and forced to tell your life story, exchange phone numbers, and come to dinner at their house next week.
Winter Driving:
- When you leave for work before the snow plows have come through and you can't see the road beneath all of the snow, you get to make your own lane.
- Once the plows do come through, you are only allowed to park on one side of the street or else receive a ticket for 'blocking an emergency snow route'. Which side of the street you are allowed to park on depends on the street, and the only way to find out when and where and if your street is becoming an emergency snow route is to watch the news (which is difficult without tv, thanks again, DirecTV) or listen to the radio until it 'comes up' in the broadcast.
- When driving through the hilliest hill town made of hills on top of hills in totally snow-covered roads to get to a work meeting, the official recommendation for keeping control while traveling downhill on a 93% grade is to clench the steering wheel as if you are actually trying to strangle someone, lightly ride the brake pedal, and pray.
- After driving back and forth all day questioning what is ice and what is just wet as you travel 10mph in town (35mph zone) and 40mph on the highway (55mph zone), you will finally realize that you can tell the difference and the moment you increase your speed from 15mph below the speed limit to 10mph below the speed limit, you WILL hit a patch of ice. And you will scream. And then you will drive the rest of the way home at 20mph below the speed limit.
After finally getting my belongings delivered to me at 11pm, 9 days after the scheduled delivery date, and having no television for going on 4 weeks now because the DirecTV people are 'not allowed to get off of our ladders to reach the dish' without a supervisor on hand (next availability of the apparent SOLE supervisor is next Saturday) --- and don't even get me started on HOW they installed the dish so far beyond the reach of their ladders if they weren't allowed to get off of them in the first place!, I have used my free time to compile the following Surviving Small Town Iowa Guide:
Directions:
- Not only is everything measured in 'minutes' instead of 'miles', nobody seems to understand the concept of using street names. Example: Me: "How do you get to the extension campus for the meeting?" Direction givers: "Well, it's about three minutes down the road --- go to the bridge, hang a right until you see Casey's, then go about another minute and it's on your left by the big tree." Did I mention there are about 15 bridges, 3 Casey's, and 9 MILLION trees??!
Currency:
- Bring Cash! My first clue that nobody in this town takes debit should have came when the woman at the water company was typing on a TYPEWRITER, but it didn't. When I tried to pay my bill with debit, she looked at me like I had just stepped out of a flying car and said, 'We don't have those fancy machines, but you can write a check honey.' A check? Who writes checks? Furthermore, who ACCEPTS checks?? Know what address is on my checks? My mom and dad's, because I'm still on my first book of checks that I got when I opened this account when I was 17!
- I've now stolen two different coffees from two different establishments because of this 'no cash, no payment' rule. But get this Vegas people, when you don't have cash, they let you have the coffee anyway and just say, 'get me next time'...seriously! It's amazing!
Time Management:
- If you have an appointment, and need to make a stop anyplace involving interaction with another human being, leave an additional 15 minutes early. People here LOOOVE their conversations. About the weather, their kids who you don't know, your funny license plate, the new law in town about not being able to carry your gun into the town hall meetings at city council (yes, I said NEW law), and anything else they feel the need to chat about.
- Beware of walking into any establishment where there are 'regulars', because the moment they realize that they don't know you, you will be cornered and forced to tell your life story, exchange phone numbers, and come to dinner at their house next week.
Winter Driving:
- When you leave for work before the snow plows have come through and you can't see the road beneath all of the snow, you get to make your own lane.
- Once the plows do come through, you are only allowed to park on one side of the street or else receive a ticket for 'blocking an emergency snow route'. Which side of the street you are allowed to park on depends on the street, and the only way to find out when and where and if your street is becoming an emergency snow route is to watch the news (which is difficult without tv, thanks again, DirecTV) or listen to the radio until it 'comes up' in the broadcast.
- When driving through the hilliest hill town made of hills on top of hills in totally snow-covered roads to get to a work meeting, the official recommendation for keeping control while traveling downhill on a 93% grade is to clench the steering wheel as if you are actually trying to strangle someone, lightly ride the brake pedal, and pray.
- After driving back and forth all day questioning what is ice and what is just wet as you travel 10mph in town (35mph zone) and 40mph on the highway (55mph zone), you will finally realize that you can tell the difference and the moment you increase your speed from 15mph below the speed limit to 10mph below the speed limit, you WILL hit a patch of ice. And you will scream. And then you will drive the rest of the way home at 20mph below the speed limit.
1 comment:
ahahaha Good one! OK - where are you living exactly? Because one would assume Burlington Water Company would have a credit card machine?! I am very baffled by this, because even in my hometown of 2000 people and no stop lights... I have never encountered the cash or check only deal?! Weird. And how do they expect you to rack up airline miles?!
Congrats on learning how to drive in snow! Another week and you will be a pro! I learned on a gravel road going about 80 so you'll get there!
I am still jealous! I just put away my Christmas stuff tonight.. but like always kept up the snowmen. :) They stay up until there is no more snow in Iowa... or until April which I had to draw the line the past 2 years. Sorry. :)
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